kuuyasthings:

anthony jeselnik sentence starters

trigger warnings apply / feel free to change pronouns, etc.

• “But don’t think I’m a bad person. I’m a good guy.”
  
• “That’s just not how I do business.”
  
• “In fact, I might be one of the greatest guys of all time.”
  
• “When I was a kid, my friends and I got arrested for vandalising a graveyard. Ten thousand dollars in damages, but we had a great lawyer who got it knocked down to criminal trespassing and necrophilia.”
  
• “I talk a lot about death. I think it’s hilarious.”
  
• “My whole family’s like that.”
  
• “One of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator.”
  
• “How many kids do you know that get to die a winner?”
  
• “I’ve never understood the foot fetish.”
  
• “Alright, don’t be such a bitch about it.”
  
• “Does he ever suck on your feet?”
  
• “Every fight we get into, it’s always my fault.”
  
• “Hey man, I don’t want to lie to you.”
  
• “You seem like a cool guy with a loose attitude.”
  
• “That was nothing. Check this out.”
  
• “When did I say yes to that?”
  
• “I stayed pretty sober for you guys, and that’s one of the reasons I’m angry right now.”
  
• “Well, then he didn’t hear it from me.”
  
• “You think your job is bad? Try counting slaves.”
  
• “If you’re not laughing right now, you’re wrong.”
  
• “How many pictures are you going to take? Not that I blame you, it’s just like a lot.”
  
• “Were you taking pictures of that last guy? ‘Cause that was a waste of film.”
  
• “I mean, I call them like I see them.”
  
• “That’s true freedom. Those guys can fly.”
  
• “People are worried I’m gonna make fun of Mexicans or something. Nope, just the deaf.”
  
• “Everyone in there was either a waiter, a prostitute, or me.”
  
• “I wasn’t interested, but I am rich.”
  
• “I love when old married couples die really close together.”
  
• “To me, there is nothing more romantic than a good, old-fashioned murder-suicide.”
  
• “Think about murder-suicide like this: You hear your friend Jeff committed suicide and your only thought is just devastation. Oh my god, what could I have done to save my friend Jeff? You hear your friend Jeff killed his wife and then himself, you just think, ‘Yikes, Jeff doesn’t fuck around, huh? I should’ve showed Jeff more respect back in the day.’”
  
• “Murder-suicide is practically a victimless crime.”
  
• “You are allowed to kill someone as long as you kill yourself immediately after.”
  
• “Murder-suicide is a victimless crime as long as you don’t leave any kids–gotta kill them too.”
  
• “I understand what you said. I just don’t understand why you’re laughing afterwards as if it was a funny thing to say.”